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Tuesday, January 18, 2005
Has no flow but I don't care
Mood:
 blue
Now Playing: my brain matter sludging in my head and making me tear up like a wuss
Topic: Really Bad Poetry
I just want to be loved today
to open my arms and fly free away
I just want to touched someway
to feel I'll be ok, anyway
If I could have one taste I'd be satisfied
I'd crave you forever, but I'd have you inside
If I could have one taste I'd be visible
I'd know I could make it oneday
I just want to be loved today
to open my arms and fly free away
I just want to be touched someway
to feel I'm really gonna be ok anyway
I sigh alone at night
wishing I had strength left for this fight
I scream I can make it on my own
but I'm crying inside to touch you
I want to feel like I exist sometimes
but my doubt creeps up to trip me
I wish I could be more then just a contradiction
but I'm still to troubled to change
I just want to be loved today
to open my arms and fly free away
I just want to touched someway
to feel I'll be ok, anyway
I don't care who you are, just wrap me in your arms
Tell me I'm beautiful, it's love
I don't need you forever, just silence this pain
I'll be gone by tomorrow, it's hurt
I just want to be loved today
to open my arms and fly free away
I just want to be held today
to pretend that I'm gonna be ok anyway
Posted by purtybunnylady
at 8:49 PM
Updated: Tuesday, January 18, 2005 8:55 PM
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
Another meaningful song...
Now Playing: Linkin Park
"Breaking The Habit"
Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again
[Bridge:]
I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused
[Chorus:]
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight
Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again
[Bridge:]
I dont want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused
[Chorus:]
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight
[Bridge:]
I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause I'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends
[Chorus:]
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
to show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight
Posted by purtybunnylady
at 7:28 PM
Saturday, January 8, 2005
So here's the deal...
Topic: Introspective Thoughts
He confuses me SOOOOO much. One minute I think he's actually genuine, and the next he gets that fucking cocky smile because I blush. That smile makes me think it's just a game. I have no clue if he really is the player that he portraits, and that bothers me. At least if I knew then it would be easier. The fact that he has a strong drive to do things in his life is extremely attractive. I've never met anyone like him before. He lost weight and is still fighting to keep in shape, all on his own. One of the reasons he's switching shifts is so he can workout more. That is so incredibly appealing to me. I don't know what's going on inside my head. I hold back one minute and then the next I'm blushing up a storm just because I thought of him. This completely and utterly sucks. I've stopped thinking of him screwing the shit out of me in every conceivable place, but now I'm wondering what makes him tick, why his brain thinks the things they do, trying to figure him out. I don't know what to do and I don't know if I do want to do anything. I am still in a lot of pain. I just bought Meterora, by Linkin Park and I teared up in the shower. Kyle and Alex are both still fresh in me and I think that no matter what I have to resolve them first. I still carry so much pain and hatred that it's going to impede whatever step I chose to take in life. My life is not going the way that I wanted it to, I have no career path, I have nothing of my own right now beside the only light in my life. And even then... He's not fully mine because everyone else has a hand in raising him. I love to be able to just stay at home and write. I want to go back to school so that I can write full time. So I can make something of myself. I want to be proud of myself more then anything else right now so maybe this change is good. It takes away my distraction and allows me to dedicate more time on focusing my priorities. I'm even thinking of switching shifts. Not to his but one that would allow me more time at home. I'm looking for a 9:30-5 shift so I can just drop Ty at school and go to work. I am really not enjoying spending an hour or less a day with him. It's like my mother is raising him and I can't stand that. He's already doing things that I can't stand and never would have allowed if I was doing this on my own. It's hard. I have to work full time to keep food on the table, but someone has to raise him. It's like you have to choose which is more to you, raising a good child or living to see him grow up. With no food, no house, no clothes, no necessities you can't survive. But the price for that is an ill mannered stranger that calls you mom.
Posted by purtybunnylady
at 10:19 AM
Wednesday, January 5, 2005
Sigh.
Mood:
 hug me
Now Playing: Mad Max on the telly
I still feel fat. The fact that I just ate 4 pieces of thin crust pizza didn't help. I lapsed on my excersizing for almost a week now. That probably doesn't help either. I went another whole day without saying anything to Ryan again. That didn't help either... I keep having sucky ass days by my own making and that bytes. It stinks because I wonder if he thinks that I'm pissed at him or something cuz he won't make eye contact or talk to me. That's not like him. So I don't know if it's just because I haven't talked to him and so he thinks I'M mad or something. I like him as a friend so I dunno what's going on. Some of my cases are still fubared. And you can't respond to my journal thing cuz you have to sign up and make your way through a buncha ads and stuff. So anyway. I'm gonna go watch Lost and finish writing a letter to Kristen and go to bed. Maybe play a little Dynasty Warriors 4 before hand. Depends on how frisky I'm feeling.
Posted by purtybunnylady
at 6:58 PM
Tuesday, January 4, 2005
I feel so yucky today...
Now Playing: Frou Frou - Let Go
I'm all bloated and crap cuz I'm gonna be starting my period soon. So I wore a long black skirt with slits up to a little above my knees on both sides and a v neck grey and white sweater that sort of slides off my shoulder trying to feel purty and I just felt fat all day. Ryan was back today and we didn't talk to each other all day. I got a little blushy when I first saw him today but that was it so I guess I really am over him. Kinda sucks not to have a goal again but oh, well. He would have broke my heart anyway. I am debating if I want to go to the Christmas party for work. It's at the Crystal Ballroom and I have no idea what the dress code is. Even so, I know I have nothing to wear. But I don't know if I want to go get a dress and at least go get drunk. I have no date. I don't know who else is going. So I don't know if I want to make an appearance. I have just been so self-esteemless lately I think I would just end up making an ass out of myself.
Posted by purtybunnylady
at 7:08 PM
Sunday, January 2, 2005
So... New Year's sucked...
Well, whazziz name ended up not calling. Not that I expected him to and truthfully the man just went to go get tanned this weekend. Maybe I ain't missing out on anything more then gratuitous sex with a noncommittal partner, and waking up the next morning in a pool of regret and awkward feelings. But the sex would have been reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally good... So anyway, we ended up hitting up a bar in Beaverton that we've been to before and was totally boring the time before... This time it was empty and playing country music... So we had one drink there and then bailed to go to a house party, thinking that would be better... No one was at the alleged house party. So then we decided to go with my original plan of bar hopping downtown. Unfortunately... None of us knew of any bars downtown to go to. So we wandered up and down the blocks for about an hour looking for someplace to get drunk. My whole plan was to wander downtown, bar to bar getting so drunk I couldn't stand and crawl my ass somewhere to sleep... Well, plans were altered a bit and so now there's Rick, Lori, Asher, Dan, Sarah and myself, all wandering up and down downtown Portland in the rain and about 54 degree weather. Rick has bad knees too by the way. So anyway we finally settle on a bar the Alex used to take me too. I wasn't keen on the idea but it was getting cold and it was about 11:45 so it was like we'd like to at least have a drink to say goodbye to a shitty year so I said let's do it. So anyway we settle in and start talking and reminiscing and things started to pick up. And then the drinks started pouring in and everyone was starting to feel a lot better. Well, except for two. Dan and Sarah were not exactly into the festivities. Dan had a break up not to long ago. Sure, they were only together for about a month, but things didn't end well. Sarah said she would only have one drink since she had to drive. We tried but honestly there comes a point where if you are not going to do anything to contribute to the conversation or even bother trying to have a good time, forget it. We'll continue the conversation without you. We invited you for your company, we never asked for anything but try and have a good time. If you can't even do that what was the point in leaving the house? So anyway, that sort of brought the whole night down because when one person is not having a good time and not saying anything that would help bring them back up, it kinda effects the rest of the people involved. We came to get out and get drunk and say goodbye to a shitty year, they apparently just wanted to roll around in the shit that happened, not do something about it. So whatever. I'm done. I'm sick of people that don't want to do something for themselves. If you are unhappy, change something about your life. Don't fucking dwell in it. I can guaranty that I've had a lot more fucked up shit happen in my life but you don't see me pissed off at the world. My choices were what determined what happened in my life. I have no one to blame but myself, no one else can change the way my life is going but me. I am still bubbly and obnoxious. I have to struggle to stay positive, but I do. It's not worth the effort to be abrasive and bitchy. So long story short they are no longer invited out with us. Sarah has not wanted to have a good time ANY of the times we've invited her out with us so that was the last time. We've tried repeatedly to try and bring her out of her shell, to find things that she enjoys to lighten her up... But by her own words... It's easier to be miserable. It would be too much effort to be happy... I can't live like that and I can't just stand by and watch it happen... So now I need to figure out what I'm gonna do about that girl... It sucks because she really is a good, kind person underneath her hard exterior. I just feel worse hanging around someone who cannot take the time or effort to find a happy thought. I have enough bad shit going on in my life, I spend a lot of time focusing on what is positive in my life. If I stumble and start thinking about what is bad in my life, I'm bound to fucking take a damned knife to myself. I can't friggin deal right now. Call me selfish but I have enough to worry about then someone else's made up drama. So anyway I drank a lot and was leaning on Asher for most of the night. It felt good to be supported. Even if I don't want anything from him, it was nice getting to feel a male body again. Minus the nibbley parts of course... But still. It felt and smelt nice. It made it better for a little while but now I want more. So it's back to being bad. This is shitty.
Posted by purtybunnylady
at 10:35 PM
Welcome.
So we're gonna try this out for a while. This Blog has a lot more options. And I was getting a little pissed at the slow reaction time on the other one. Sometimes it'd work and sometimes it wouldn't. I am fickle enough, my journal server doesn't need to be.
Posted by purtybunnylady
at 10:34 PM
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